Our brains (or minds), I have discovered can be both, friend and foe. While actively drinking and knowing I had a problem, but still focused on controlling my drinking, not quitting, just controlling, my own mind acted crazy. By crazy I mean it had a double personality. I had my authentic brain that was my friend and spoke to me with my true voice. I also had a booze brain that was my foe and would harmfully manipulate me.

I discovered I had these two opposing brains over a course of about 15 years of abusing alcohol. I’d wake up with regrets from the night before and I was certain I would not drink alcohol all day and maybe not even tomorrow, heck I should abstain until at least Friday. More importantly, I would think, let’s just not drink today.

“So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me.” – Romans 7:21 NIV

My authentic brain, my true personality, was a friend in the morning. A friend who had the resolve and discipline of a multi medal Olympian! I knew what I needed and I was going to make sure I behaved and didn’t put alcohol in my body no matter what!

On that very same day, I never knew the hour, but my brain would inevitably become my foe. Sometimes by 10:00 AM, but always by 4:00 or 5:00 PM my booze brain was busy strategizing about where it would get a glass of wine. It was mystical how my authentic brain’s resolve of abstinence wouldn’t even surface to a conscious level once my booze brain’s personality took over.

It was a constant battle between the two brains. My mornings were full of clarity with my authentic brain fully engaged and then came the afternoons where my booze brain took over and just wanted its alcohol.

Example of a Typical Day
After my morning promises of no alcohol, at some point during the work day, my booze brain would shift into gear and say, “Perhaps on the way home let’s stop at Applebee’s and just have 2 glasses – nothing more. It’s been a stressful day.” If my authentic brain pushed back at all, my booze brain would be careful and cunning and let a little time pass before saying, “let’s stop at the grocery store to pick up a nice piece of salmon or grouper to grill tonight. Also grab ingredients for a green salad.” Both my authentic brain and booze brain knew that grilled fish went swimmingly (pun intended) with chardonnay!

How could I resist? A nutritious dinner would be good for me and I will only buy one bottle of chardonnay. I might not even drink the whole thing.

My booze brain was a master at being manipulative and harmful. Once I had the grocery shopping idea locked in, it would say, “Applebee’s is right next to the grocery store. Let’s stop in and say hi to everyone, have a glass and then hit the grocery store.”

This was a typical afternoon during the work week. Oftentimes I would end up at Applebee’s for 2 glasses and then to the grocery store. On some occasions, however, depending on who was at the bar and how much fun I was having – I’d be there for 2 – 4 hours! On those days, I’d never remember driving home or going to bed.

If I did make it to Applebee’s – one bottle of wine at the store never sounded like enough. My booze brain would have a much easier time convincing me after a couple glasses of wine that one bottle would not do. Once I had wine in me, I was consistently obedient to my booze brain.

My drinking was out of control and I felt helpless to do anything about it. I had these two brains, these two competing thought-networks and the booze brain was winning. By nothing less than a miracle  I discovered Addictive Voice Recognition Technique (AVRT).  I read about it with a palpitating heart. I was excited. AVRT made perfect sense to me. It described what I had been going through with my competing brains.

As exciting as AVRT was on paper, I would still only contemplate about it over a bottle of chardonnay. I kept reading the same things over and over about AVRT, as if each time the words would magically sink in and put some action behind my excitement.  Through prayer and self-talk, I was convinced that I must commit to what AVRT calls a Big Plan.  My booze brain, my Addictive Voice (AV), was not going to control my authentic brain any longer.

I made my Big Plan.  Well, I made plans to make my Big Plan. I targeted my day. It was going to be Monday, August 27, 2012. “Let’s do this!” my authentic brain would sing. “Let’s do it!” I made this plan on Thursday. I didn’t drink with abandon for 4 days, but I did drink a lot and shame-free since I had plans to never drink again and never change my mind.

On Monday morning, I woke early to pray and think through my commitment to my Big Plan.  So the day began…

I would hear my AV (my booze brain) and would stop it in its tracks. I would calmly say, “I don’t drink any more and I am NEVER changing my mind.”  I would add, “even though I feel a little anxious about that statement, I know that anxiety is you too, so shut up, the answer is NO!” Then I would focus on healthy thoughts and move on with my day. I got through that first day relatively easy.

The more I got to know my AV and quickly recognize it, the more I would try and make my AV out to be this awful, mean, evil beast that lived outside of me. I am a Christian so at one point I thought, my AV must be SATAN. Yes, it must be Satan. But, I quickly realized that thinking my AV was anything but me, was also my AV trying to manipulate me.

As much as I don’t like it, I have learned my Addictive Voice is still me. It isn’t Satan, it isn’t anyone else. It is a part of me. Luckily, I still have my true voice too. With no anxiety whatsoever, I can thwart any cunning angle of my AV by using a swift and simple sentence, “I don’t drink any more and I am NEVER going to change my mind.”

Tomorrow, I will be 8 weeks sober and I have discovered that it gets easier. It gets easier recognizing my AV and telling it “No!” With every ‘no’ my true voice’s dominance increases. Now when I say, “I don’t drink any more and I am NEVER going to change my mind,” it feels good and powerful. I no longer feel anxious or scared – I feel strong. I feel confident. I look to the future with renewed freshness. I feel a purpose driven life again.

My name is Tammy, and I have an AV, but it doesn’t have me!